You Just Do
“It’s almost like a physical pain,” I said, and for the first time in years, tears began to well in my eyes. “My chest is so tight and my throat is so constricted and I can’t breathe.” I dropped my head in my hands. “It’s not even sadness. It’s this awful weakening disease; I can’t move, can’t think. All that I can string together is, ‘how do I live like this?’”
Dr. Paisley shrugged. “You just do.”
I almost laughed at that. “Oh.”
“Sometimes you just feel awful, and you have to know it’ll pass. It’s like the flu.”
I flipped my hair back and glared at her. “This is nothing like the flu.”
She raised an eyebrow. “No?”
I shook my head. “This has been plaguing me for years.”
“And you’re telling me in those years, there’s nothing you did that you really wanted to? That you’re so glad you did and you couldn’t have if you hadn’t fought your illness?”
I smiled a little. “I met one of my favorite comedians. Hiked a lot.” She nodded. “It doesn’t get rid of it, though.”
“No. You can’t just get rid of anything. But you can learn to live with it, and know that with all that bullshit, you get to do things you may never thought you could.”
“I’m not in a good place, I haven’t been in awhile, I surround myself with people because for a small moment I’m okay. However, as soon as they are gone, the voices come back to play. I use to drive home from town wishing I don’t make it. Now everyone seems to tell me to drive safe, to get home, to text them when I get home. Now I have to, I have to get home, I have to be able to text them, I can’t let them down, I can’t disappoint them, I can’t be selfish. So I get home, I sit in my room, letting the demons tell me I’m worthless. I know you want me home, I know you want me safe, I know you want me here the next day, but these voices are making it harder to keep my promises. They are making it harder to stay alive.”
— p.s.w // excerpt from a book i’ll never write #275
Hurt doesn’t go away simply because we don’t acknowledge it. In fact, left unchecked, it festers, grows, and leads to behaviors that are completely out of line with whom we want to be, and thinking that can sabotage our relationships and careers.
Brené Brown